Monday

I have not really accomplished anything today. Not that I had any real plans, anyway. Just surfed the net and roamed around the house. It's been nice. Waiting on time to pick up the kids. Then things will get lively :)
I really enjoyed church yesterday. That's the first time I've been able to say that in a while. It was nice.
Just got off the phone with Greg. He was at the doctor's office and things are going well for him. Shedding the pounds and his blood sugars are good. I'm proud of him for being able to follow such a strict diet these days. He has way more will power than I do!
Only scheduled to work Wednesday and Thursday this week. Was supposed to work tomorrow but had to cancel because of going to the dr. I'm a little anxious about this appointment. I hope it goes well.
Don't know much of anything else. Guess that's all folks!

Been a while

It's been a while since I've posted. I need to do better!! There's been a lot happened since my last post. On the job front, I've gone back to work part time at the nursing home (Prescott Manor) working evenings (3-11). I love it!!! It's much more calm, more laid back, and I'm not working full time. I have more time to get things done and when I'm with my residents I have more quality time with them. It's great!! This is perfect for me right now. I've found out I have some problems with my heart. I've had lots of tests done now and got my 24 hour heart monitor off yesterday. I'm going to see a cardiologist in Texarkana next Tuesday to find out what they want to do next. Started on medication but it's not quite working. Found out that I have a problem with one of my heart valves, but not sure yet how severe it might be. We'll see what he says on Tuesday.
The girls are gone to Vertical Fest with the youth group today. They've been excited about it. Hopefully they'll get to see some good bands. We went to a concert for the Christian group "Downhere" last weekend. I had never heard of them before that, but now I'm a huge fan!! The concert was great, and we got to meet the band afterwards. They were very, very nice! I had a sunburn that day because I had been with the youth group at the festival uptown all day and my neck burned. The band's base guitar player came over to touch my neck and was like "Wow! A burn in October???" Jessica thought that was hilarious that he was so interested in my sunburn. And yeah, I felt like a big dork!! But really they were great. You can go to their website downhere.com and listen to their music.
Greg and I are just hanging at the house today. I'm on the computer (of course you knew that) and he's watching a movie, I think. I'm going to work at 3, so I think he's almost giddy at the thought of having the house all to himself for 8 hours!!!
How bout those Wolves?? They're doing great this year. Makes me so proud! And Jess is loving being with the band at the games. Last night they were on the track in front of the stands waiting for the band to go on, and Jess was mouthing to me "Are Dave and Shan here?" She was more interested in knowing that than worrying about getting the band equipment on the field!!
I guess that's all I know for now. Hopefully I'll do better at updating!

Decision made

Well, I did it. Made the decision and put in my notice at my job of only 2 months. I don't like the person I've become since working there. Don't want to go into all of it, but I've been miserable and going into what I like to call "my dark place". I don't want to be there. If I've learned nothing else in my 36 (yes almost 37 years, Shan) of life, it's that life is indeed too short to be miserable. What good is having the same schedule as my family if they can't stand to be around me or if all I do is cry??? It's not the "learning a new job" anymore. Basically I have it down. It's the whole job, the environment, the type of nursing I do there. To me, it's not nursing. Not what's in my heart. I worked too dang hard to get my license to do something I hate. If nothing else, I have learned that my heart is in the nursing home. I "belong" there. I'm needed there. And I can make a difference there. And that's what it's all about, or should be. I feel a burden lifted. A little apprehensive about the next chapter of my journey. But I'm not filled with worry. God has opened doors for me that I never even dreamed would be there to begin with. He'll lead me on, I know that.

tired

September is almost over and I'm just now writing something. Not keeping up very well, am I?? And tonight's probably not the best night for me to be writing, especially with the mood I'm in. I'm just so tired. Physically, mentally, you name it. Tired of life in general. If there's any way I could do it, I would literally stay in my house 24/7 and never see anyone. Only the people I choose to see. Life would be perfect for me if I could live that way. But alas, I don't see that happening. I'm sick of being critisized for being "too nice"... As if being nice makes me a bad person. Seems like nothing I do is right. And believe it or not, I'm not just refering to my job. I wish I could hibernate for a long, long time...

3 days off work

This has been a great day. Why??? I'm still in my nightgown and haven't done a thing all day!! Boy, I needed this day so bad. Been a long, tiring week. Glad next week will be short. We're just hanging out today, watching movies and playing on the computer. Jess is in here with me serenading me with her flute. Sarah's in the living room on the couch watching tv. Greg is hiding in Jess's room away from the noise watching a movie. I'm sure the dogs are napping by the back door. Isn't life great??!!! Church tomorrow, then on Monday we're going to my sister's in Malvern for a family get-together/pool party. Need to decide what I'm taking to eat. That's about it. Nothing exciting going on in the Hartman household. Hope you all have a great Labor Day!

It's been a while...

Haven't posted recently, have I? I originally planned to keep up with my blog, but I've let it go, as I tend to do most things lately. The girls have started school. So far, so good. My job is still the same. Tried to leave once already, but talked into staying. I know this is not what I want to do with my life permanently, but if I give it a little longer, I'll be experienced with the clinical setting and can move on to something else. I miss the nursing home!!! Did not think I would, but maybe this was God's way of teaching me that I was actually where I was supposed to be. Now I know that for sure. And yes, I'll go back some day. Probably not to that particular nursing home, but to another one for sure.
Been working on grooming the dogs today. Boy that's a job!!! I've let them go lately and now Mimi's fur is really matted. I've been cutting all morning. Fixing to run over to Pets mart to get some supplies. Then I'm going to shave her down and start over. Her hair grows really fast and it's still hot enough that it will be okay. Max just needs a good bath and brush down.
Guess that's about it for now. Oh yeah, Greg and I had our 16 year anniversary last week on the 17th. He said "seems like only yesterday that we got married"... I was like "well, maybe a little longer than yesterday!!!" Can't imagine my life with anyone else.
Okay, really getting off here now so I can get going to Texarkana. Lots of work to do when I get home. Ta ta for now!

today

All I can say is "Thank goodness today is over with". It was a horrible, horrible day. I made it through without crying until I got home. I pray tomorrow is better.

Time goes by fast...

Can't believe my second week on the job is almost over!! I had a few rough days. Nothing was wrong, everything went fine, but I just felt overwhelmed and like I had made a terrible decision in changing jobs. I was used to being GOOD at my job. I liked being GOOD at my job. Suddenly I was back to feeling like I had just come out of nursing school and knew NOTHING!!! I hate feeling dumb. But things are getting better. I'm getting the hang of it. Have gotten some good positive comments from my doctor. He seems to be happy with me and thinks I'm doing good, so I guess things are okay. I have to quit stressing over it. But I'm a major worrier and a people pleaser and as Greg pointed out to me, "my own worst critic". It'll be okay. For the most part, I'm happy there.
On another note, Sarah passed her driving test!! Got her license so she can drive with an adult over 21 in the vehicle with her. She was happy and I was very proud of her. Now, do I particularly enjoy riding in the vehicle while she's driving??? No....... Feels like I'm having an anxiety attack and wanting to vomit the whole time. She does fine. It's just me.
Guess that's it for today.

Tired

Whewww... I'm tired!! Second official day on my new job and I'm beat!! I'm sure as I get the hang of things it'll get a little better. But as I told Greg, I'm tired but not stressed like at the nursing home, so it's okay. I really think I'm going to like it there.

First day at the new job

Well, I survived my first official day at my new job. Luckily, I had someone there helping me. Today I'm headed to Texarkana to the main clinic for computer training. That will help a lot. I really think I'm going to like it there, or at least I will once I know what I'm doing!!
Sarah made it through her first day of driver's ed. Only one other person in the class with her, and he hasn't taken his written test yet so Sarah is the only one who can actually drive in the car. I'm so glad Mr. Poole is doing this and not me!! I can't take the stress!!!

Weekend

Well, I made it through my last day at the nursing home. I cried when I left yesterday. I didn't think it would be so hard. But I've always hated goodbyes, anyway, ever since my father died. You can say goodbye, and that might mean for ever. You just never know. But I am relieved it's over, and looking forward to my new job. But right now we're heading to the lake!!! Time for some fun! I'm going to enjoy the weekend and then just take it one day at a time.

One more day at PMNC

Tomorrow is my last day at the nursing home. I'm feeling sad but relieved, all at the same time. Monday I start at Dr. Fox's office. I'm looking forward to it. I'm ready for something new. I've promised to visit my residents frequently. We've shed some tears and I've gotten lots of hugs and "I'm gonna miss you". Tomorrow will not be easy. I hate saying goodbye. But also excited about the future. And looking forward to many weekends home with my family!!!

A few pics from vacation

Back from vacation, new job, whirlwind of changes

We had a WONDERFUL time on vacation!!! I didn't want to come home :( Sea World was a blast!! The riverwalk was gorgeous. Corpus Christi was awesome. Why can't we be on vacation all the time???
Got home, barely settled in, and got a phone call from a local doctor telling me his nurse quit and offered me a job. Monday thru Friday, 8 to 4, no weekends, or holidays. Can you say "heck yeah"?!! Sure it's not going to be a walk in the park, but neither has the last year and a half at the nursing home. It's time for a change and this is just the change I need. NOW I know why it wasn't meant for me to take the job at Hillcrest. God does indeed work in mysterious ways, and this time He used my youngest daughter. I love it!!
Will try to post some pics soon. Haven't tried that yet, so we'll see if I can figure it out. If I can't, guess I'll holler at Dave for some pointers :)

One MORE last post...

I thought that last night would be my last post. WRONG!!! I just knew we'd all be up this morning in a mad dash to get going on VACATION. Well *I* am!!! The rest of the "we" are still in bed! I was up at 6:30 getting my shower, getting ready, all the while yelling out every 10 minutes "We're going on vacation!!!" Nothing. Ran butt naked through the house yelling "WE'RE GOING ON VACATION!!!!!!" Still nothing. Right now as I type, my husband is snoring in the bed, and I have yet to see my children's eyes even open this morning. So, "I" am getting ready to go on vacation... Hopefully we'll get to leave sometime today.

We're going to Seaworld...

One last small post before the trip. I can't wait!!!!! Jessica got back from band camp today and had a blast! And the best thing is: I'm off work until July3!! Hip hip hurray!!!!! We're going to Seaworld!!!

In case you're wondering...

No, I haven't lost my mind. I had made a decision about my job, made up my mind. Figured everything out. Then discussed my plans with my family. Well, two people took it well, and one didn't. The one happens to be female, 12 years old, and loves being with her mom. She called me from camp crying, very upset, asking me not to take the job. Her fear is that with me working evenings, she thinks she won't get to see me. And having an older child, I know that that feeling is not going to last much longer. I just couldn't do it. Even having others, including my husband and mother, telling me "she'll adjust, she'll be fine, she'll get used to it, do what you need to do" I just couldn't do it. I would do anything for my kids. They come first to me. And the idea of her being heartbroken because she thinks she won't get to spend time with me just about ripped my heart out. So yes, even knowing that I would be making more money, working an easier shift, having more benefits and stability, I called them back and turned down the job. Even though I'm disappointed, I'm also relieved. You see, my child is happy. And that is most important to me. I won't have them with me forever. These years will soon be gone. No regrets- that's my theme since my brother died. There will always be other jobs. I don't have other kids. So, that's what happened with the abrupt change of plans. And no, I don't regret it...

change of plans

I'm not going into the story now, but there's been a definite change of plans. Looks like I'm staying at the job I'm at for now. Declined the new job offer for complicated reasons involving my family. I know that God has a plan; I keep telling myself that.

New beginnings

I have accepted a job with the other nursing home here in town. I'm really excited about the change. More money, too! That's a definite bonus. Leaving for vacation on Sunday. Lots of things to look forward to...

Just thinking...

I am so glad that I'm off for two days! Counting down the days to vacation... Waiting to see about the other job. Still have mixed feelings, but not stressed about it. That is a definite improvement for me- not stressing!!
I guess Sarah's hair is kinda growing on me. It's faded a "little" bit. Maybe I'm just getting used to it, but I'm actually starting to kind of like it. Still very mad at her, though. But I'll get over that too.
Jessica is going to band camp at Henderson next week. She's really really excited. I'm happy for her. We've got to start getting her stuff together pretty soon. Probably on Saturday. Greg will be taking her and her friend who is also going. Wish I could go too, but have to work as usual.
Don't really know much else. I'm SOOOO proud of my friend Darlene for passing her vital signs skills for her CNA class!! You go, girl!!! I knew you could do it :)

Mad

I honestly do not think I will survive having a teenage daughter. If my youngest ends up being like my oldest, please please shoot me now!!!
I was just posting yesterday about her getting this brand new haircut. It was so cute!! Made her look like this very pretty teenage girl. Then she gets the bright idea that she wants to color her hair. I was okay with this to a degree. She's had highlights and red streaks and wanted it to be all one color again. That was fine and I was agreeable to choosing a dark brown shade of haircolor. Mistake number one: that only led to a fight. I chose "honey brown" and she wanted "midnight black". Excuse me... NOOOO!!!! We compromised with a chocolate brown. Still darker than I liked, but I thought I could handle it. She decided to use it last night. I read the instructions and we applied it. I told her not to leave it on past 20 minutes or it would get too dark. I then got busy doing other things. Well, I guess there was a little note in the instructions I missed about getting "dramatic results" by leaving it in up to 40 minutes. Well, guess what my stubborn know it all daughter did??? You guessed it. Now she has black fried looking hair and she loves it! I can't look at her without being furious. I called her a little goth wanna be. She thinks it's cool and could care less what I think. I'm now sitting in my room trying to count to ten and reciting the Serenity prayer because every time I look at her I start boiling. Don't think I'm going to make it through these years...

Funny

Today after church, Sarah and I went to Texarkana to the mall. We decided to get our hair cut (Sarah's is adorable!!). Well, the whole point to this story is that I got my hair cut by a man named Dave. Some of you won't get the amusement factor. But some of you most definitely will!! All I could think about was "Dave is cutting my hair". Nevermind that this Dave was probably in his 50's and had a ponytail that hung midway down his back. I just found the whole idea funny. (On another note, I really like my haircut. He did a good job!)
Jessica has the worst sunburn of her life. She spent the night with a friend and her friend's dad let them stay in the pool most of the day. Boy is she burned!!
Vacation bible school starts at church tonight. Sarah is going to help out. She's also in a skit for Tuesday night. I think all the kids are excited about it. I really like going to church at Park. The Pastor is great! He was raised in the Assemblies of God church and his preaching shows that. I really have enjoyed it.
Until next time...

Not so confused

I'm almost 99% positive that I will take whatever job is offered to me to leave where I am now. More and more I realize that life is just too short. Having recently had problems with hypertension, finding out I'm in the beginning stage of osteoporosis, constantly battling anxiety and depression... it's just too much. Life is honestly too short. There will always be another job. And no, it won't be perfect. But it will be okay until the next opportunity comes along. God has a perfect plan and purpose for my life. I feel at peace that He's setting the stage to move me to the next place He wants me to be. There was a reason that I was at this facility for the past year and 4 months. Hopefully there are people there who will not forget me. I know I'll never forget them. Excited now about new possibilities...

Confused

I haven't posted in a few days because really I guess I don't know the words to describe what I'm dealing with right now. My work environment has turned upside down. Our "new" administrator fired our DON as soon as state walked out of our building on Thursday. That hurt me so bad. I miss her so much. It's just not the same place anymore. Everyone's on pins and needles worried about losing their jobs. The word out is that the administrator (who has been there before since I've been working and ended up walking out on us) has come back with a vengance and has a list of people that she didn't like before who she plans on firing. You can cut the tension in that building with a knife. I hate it.
The other thing is that someone (who probably had good intentions) decided to make it their business to tell me who I should and shouldn't be letting my almost 15 year old daughter go out with. (by going out, that means basically boyfriend/girlfriend- she doesn't GO OUT anywhere!)
Come on, give Greg and me some credit!! After all, she is OUR child, not theirs! I've talked extensively with her boyfriend's mom and I know that he went through a rough period dealing with his parents divorce. And yes, he acted out and did things he shouldn't have. So, does that make it right to label him "trouble" and apparently no second chances here??? All I know is that when I'm around him, he is incredibly polite, considerate, and seems like a good kid. He goes to church everytime the doors are open. At a softball game, he saw my mom trying to find the bathroom (it had started to get dark and we were in another town) so he went over and took her arm and walked her to the bathroom and waited out side the door for her to help her back to her seat. Yeah, that s "trouble" alright... I guess what made me really mad was that this person didn't even know anything about him. It was coming from her husband who thinks he's so much better than us that he doesn't even say 2 words to me or Greg, even though we take care of his daughter the majority of the time. I'm just really tired of people trying to make my business their business. I didn't take it as coming from a concerned person; I took it badly.

Worried

Things at work are very complicated right now. I am facing the real possibility of having to look for another job. Not because I want to leave or am tired of being there. Just lots of thing beyond my control. New administration and they're out for blood. Right now I don't think I'm in their target, but some people near and dear to me are. I just don't think I can stay when they make them leave. And if it comes down to that, I'm going to be incredibly sad. So much so, that I can't even think about it right now because I'm not ready to feel that kind of hurt that I will feel if I walk out those doors for the last time. I just can't think about it, but yet it's all I CAN think about. I'm praying... it's all I know to do.

Tired but happy

Oh, apparently on May 18th, I spoke too soon. Did one more 12 hour shift the other night. Actually ended up being more like 13 hours. Mostly this does not happen. It's only been since we've been short handed one night shift nurse. Now we're back up to staff, but one of the night nurses has been off a week. We just got our new schedule for June and I see I have one 12 hour shift day for the month. I'm not complaining because I also got my vacations days that I asked for. So the trip to Sea World is definitely on!!!

I am sooooo happy to be off work today. I can't tell you how excited I was last night realizing that Greg and the girls would also be home today too. We're hanging around the house, working on a few projects. Got some steaks to grill for this evening. It's gonna be a great day!!!

Glad to be off

I'm off work today. I was off yesterday too. Didn't get a whole lot accomplished, but then again I was tired.

Well, believe it or not, I thought I might be posting this from the local jail this morning. Trust me, you don't know how true that comment is. I almost jumped out of my van today to beat this ninth grade girl's butt. Luckily, Jess was in the van with me so I didn't. And you can't say it wouldn't have been a fair fight, because the girl is as big as I am. Well, skinnier, but just as tall, if not taller. Lucky for her, all she got was a stare down. I didn't open my mouth, but I think she got the message that I'm watching her. Part of this year has literally been hell for Sarah, thanks to this one kid. Greg said that all we can do is pray that she moves. Oh, and then he begged me to stay out of jail...

Getting ready to go to Jess's honor roll program. Then I'm going to check her and her friend out of school and we're going shopping. We're going on vacation to San Antonio in June (whoo hooooo I'm excited!!!) and we need new swimsuits. I've spent hours on the internet looking up motels. Trying to find a good deal. Greg keeps saying "just find one you like and book it" but now I'm obsessed with costs. We'll see. I really am excited, though. Wish we were leaving tomorrow!!

Too early for me

Okay, it's 2:45 a.m. and I'm getting ready to leave for work. Is it just me or does anyone else see anything wrong with this picture??!! I HATE 12 hours shifts, especially when they start at 3:00 a.m. Luckily, this is my last one for this month.

Busy day

Whewww... today has been busy. Glad to be home. Had a doctor's appointment for myself in Texarkana at 9:00 then had to be home to get my mom to her doctor's appointment in Little Rock at 2:00. Lots of time on the road today, for sure. And lots of gas used in my van. Holy cow!!! So now I'm at home, just chillin.

My doctor wanted to start me on blood pressure meds today. I talked him out of it. Talked him into believing I would work on it by trying to shed a few pounds, watch my diet, and exercise. As if I have the energy to exercise!! But I know I really have to do it. And I will (hopefully). My problem right now is realizing that I'm only one person and there's only so much I (as one person) can do. This relates to my job. I have come to actually enjoy my job, or at least most of it. Yes there are some days that I leave and swear I'll never go back, but I get up the next day and there I am. I have to be there. My residents have squirmed their way into my heart until it's full of them. There's no way I can walk away now. But sometimes I guess I care too much. No, really it's not that. I honestly don't think you could possibly care TOO much. It's just when it seems like no one ELSE cares then all the burden lies on you. Oh enough of that...

Sarah got her teeth beautifully whitened yesterday. Can't wait til she's all finished. She's bummed tonight that Jess's softball game got cancelled- which means that Sarah doesn't get to hang out with her boyfriend. You know the rest of our family is devastated too (heavy on the sarcasm)

Well, that's all my tired brain can think of for now. I'm going to go catch up on some tv watching. Back to work tomorrow. Oh yeah- wish I could post some pics but it would probably count as invading someone's privacy. One of my special residents had a birthday today and when I got back from Little Rock I took her present to her. I got her a shirt, a coloring book, a balloon, and some strawberry ice cream. We had planned the ice cream because she doesn't like birthday cake. Man, seeing her face was priceless. We sang happy birthday together, then I fed her ice cream. She was so glad I got her a little carton because she didn't finish it all and I told her we could have ice cream again tomorrow! You know, it's truly the little things in life that mean the most.

Wednesday

Well. My first blog. Actually, my first blog on this site. I tried a different one before but lost interest quick. Maybe this one will last.

I'm off work today. Today and tomorrow. It feels great to have two days of "rest". My youngest daughter, Jessica, is home with me right now. She had a softball game last night and got hit by the ball when up to bat. She's got a nice softball mark right now on her left outer thigh. It was kind of rough, so I let her stay home today to rest and recoup. Got to take my older daughter, Sarah, to the dentist at 2 p.m. She's finishing the process of getting her dental implant. It's been quite a process, but she's gonna have one heck of a smile when it's done!!

It's been quite a week. I lost my first resident on Monday morning. Actually was there at her side when she died. My other ones have died at the hospital or when I was off. I don't think it's ever going to get easy to deal with. At least I hope not. If it does, then I guess I'll know it's time for me to quit. It's hard to separate yourself- put emotions aside and be the professional. I think I did okay. But I miss her already.

That's about it for my first post. This may turn out to be a good thing after all.